Today's Lesson in Label Reading

I'm often accused of trying to politicize everything so today I promise ... no politics.

I've heard tell of folks having "senior moments" before but being a youngster in my fifties I had never personally experienced one. At least not before today that is. My wife Tamela says I've had plenty but I'm sure she's exaggerating, I still like to think of myself as fairly hip in my own groovy kind of way. So when I opened a fresh pack of razor blades this morning and found a free gift bottle I thought I might as well try the latest and greatest in shaving comfort.

It definitely wasn't shaving cream (wrong dispenser). The big shiny logo said it was Hydrating Something Something Blah Blah for dry skin. I squeezed out a drop and smooshed it between my fingers. It reminded me of my wife's moisturizing lotion so I assumed it was some new kind of aftershave.

Now I've been an Aqua Velva man since the 60s when everyone knew, "there's something about an Aqua Velva man." Of course I couldn't shave until the 70s but that was beside the point. Slapping on some of dad's favorite aftershave instantly made me feel part of some ancient brotherhood with secret handshakes and mysterious rituals, like the the Benevolent and Protective Order of the Elks or maybe the Kiwanis Club. In fact I think I've been working on the same bottle of aftershave since 1976.

Perhaps it was my desire to be in the "in crowd" or prove my ability to keep up with the times, but I couldn't wait to try the new stuff. So after a relaxing shower and shave I went straight for the bottle. I rubbed a generous amount into my  face and scalp since there's not much left on top. My skin must have really been dry, it seemed to suck the stuff up so I applied a little more. Hey! How about me! I'm a hydrator baby! What will they think of next? It even smelled good, albeit a little strong.

Feeling ten years younger I headed off to my doctor's appointment to have some x-rays, the kind they use the contrast dye for (this is important later). Man was my skin tingling, that stuff was really doing it's thing.

Everything went well at the doctor, although the x-rays took a little longer than expected. By the time I got home I had just enough time for a short nap before dinner with Tam.

"Wake up honey, are you okay"? (Huh?) "Do I need to call 911"? (What?) "Wake up, you're having a reaction to the dye"!

Shaking off the fog from my nap I jumped up and ran to the mirror. Sure enough I had huge bright pink splotches all over my face and scalp. "I feel okay" (except for that darn tingling), I said. Then I remembered, "hey, it must be that new aftershave I used this morning". With a sigh of relief Tamela was off to change clothes.

That's when the cackling started. At first I thought I had heard the cries of a wounded animal from behind the bathroom door. What was going on in there? I was ready to bound into action when the door flew open. "Was this what you used?", Tamela managed to ask between fits of hysterical laughter as she stood holding the tiny bottle like the model from some ancient Aqua Velva ad. I wasn't quite sure how to answer as I suddenly felt accused of committing some act deserving public ridicule.

"Yep, that's the stuff. Smells good doesn't it!" I replied, sounding almost too proud of myself. That only brought on another fit of laughter. Now I was starting to get annoyed.

At last the laughter stopped. "Honey, this isn't after shave, it's body wash. That's why it smells soooo good. You've been walking around with highly concentrated soap on your face all day." Tamela exclaimed, tossing me the bottle and giving me the same look she gives the cat when he gets his poor head stuck somewhere curiosity has blindly lead his tiny feline brain. "Didn't you read the label?"

Well whatya know. There it was in small print right under the big shiny logo; Body Wash. Excuse me, I think I'll go hang out with the cat for a while.