Are You Teaching Your Child To Bully?

We talk about the students that bully. We read about them in the papers. We see their victims on the six o’clock news as their death is examined. Bullying must stop. How do we stop it? 

You know there is something wrong with your child. She came home quiet and withdrawn. You want to talk to her. You know she has been having issues with bullying at school so what do you do? What if the problem is that quiet child up in her room has been bullying other children in her class.  Are you raising the class bully?  Parents do not want the shame of being known as the parents of the class bully. People turn their backs when you walk by at PTA meetings or Friday night ball games. Everyone in the class knows your child is not welcome at class parties.  Teachers know what it means to have your child in their class.   

How are bullies made?  Who is at risk of becoming a bully?  Why do some who are bullied become a bully themselves while others grown up to be caring people?  What is bullying?  Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior. It can be verbal or non verbal. It’s a tool kids use to scare, manipulate, or force others to do what they want. With today’s technology, cyber-bullying has become an advanced form of bullying since many times you can not determine who the bully really is. Since bullying is often a learned behavior, parents can take active steps to avoid raising a bully. What practical steps can you take to avoid raising a bully?

Children live what they learn. If your children see you use verbal abuse with your spouse or them by hurling nasty, cruel, and disrespectful words, you are teaching them how to treat their classmate. If your child is experiencing physical abuse they will learn to use the same behavior in their lives. If, however, you show respect in your own home, your child will see a strong model to repeat with their classmates. 

Bullies do not respect other children that may be different from themselves. Not all children are the same so, teach your child to learn to be tolerant of everyone they meet. Do your children hear you say mean things about others?  Do you make casual crude comments about those different from you? Do you point out those with different faith or have a different political agenda?  Do you make mean or off color comments about your in-laws or siblings. You are teaching your child to disrespect those in their lives.

Empathy is lacking in bullies. Bullies did not grow up with parents that taught them empathy. Bullying at school and other places can show up in many forms.  Each action a bully uses is meant to disempower and humiliate the target.  Bullies learn their craft from others.  Bullies are not born bullies. They learn their behavior of abuse. Sometimes school bullying can be subtle, like abusive comments or gossip. It can be isolation and exclusion. In other cases it is blatant harassment, threats or outright physical violence. There are always three involved in bullying, the bully, the bullied and those who witness the bullying.  All three can be harmed from bullying.  

Cyber-bullying takes abuse to a new level because millions can see the verbal abuse within minutes.  Your child, the bully, is attacking others mentally, emotionally and their victims physical well-being also. Lacking empathy allows a bully to not care about how they make others feel.  Most bullies are themselves hurting souls because they are around mean or abusive people.  If you are noticing your child being the class bully, look in the mirror, maybe you are teaching your child to be the most hated student in the room.

How can you teach your child not to bully when you are bullying? You change, they change.  If you are abusing them, how can you expect them to do anything different?  If you say mean things about others around your child they are soaking it up.  Stop teaching your child how to abuse, clean up your habits.  Review your own actions and have a talk about how your actions have been wrong and how you are going to stop being such a poor role model for your child.  Foster an attitude of empathy and caring. Show your child how to identify a hurting person and offer them help. Ask your child, ”How do you think the hurting person is feeling?” 

Sometimes sport team members take pride in dishing out the abuse. Nip that behavior in the bud as soon as you hear about the behavior.  If you find out that your daughter or son has been involved with abusive bullying either through a social medium or in person, tell your child how inappropriate their behavior is and make plans to stop the behavior and to make amends to the offended party. Do not say childish things like, "Kids will be kids, it is no big deal!" If you hear yourself saying things of this nature you are the problem.  Get help with your inability to face the fact that you are in touch with the reality of the situation. 

Set an example for your child. Your child will learn from you how to treat others. Bullying isn't always pushing, hitting or biting. Intimidation, rumor spreading, exclusion and teasing are other forms of bullying behavior. If your child has been accused by a fellow student or administration take action immediately. 

Immediately address any behaviors that display aggression towards another child and enforce strict disciplinary action for those behaviors. Make the punishment fit the crime.  If your child is abusing others on the internet - take away their phones or their computers for a period of time. If your child is abusing others at school outings - restrict them from ballgames and school events. Now it not the time to stick your head in the sand and pretend your child is not at fault. Talk to the school and work with them to make sure your child understands their mistakes.  However, if you have shown them how to be abusive it is going to be hard to change their behavior without changing yours.  If you do not recognize yourself as an abuser then it may be that a professional might be able to help your child change. Your child needs to become stronger as a person and not need the abusive bullying personality to gain attention.  A school bully does not fair well in the life of mature adults and in the workforce, nor do they make good neighbors. Help your child change before it is to late for them to become great people.