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Holiday Shopping Guide for Men

A public service announcement to help men avoid sleeping on the couch until March due to their holiday purchases.

            Now that Halloween is over, ‘tis the season to go shopping.  To that end, I am going to put a public service announcement out there for you guys to help you avoid sleeping on the couch until March.  Warning: there will be some gender stereotyping to follow.

            I will start by stating the obvious.  Men and women communicate in different ways.  If you want to read some really interesting actual scientific work on the subject, read pretty much anything Deborah Tannen has written on the subject.  (Frankly, I think her book “You Just Don’t Understand” should be a mandatory pre-requisite for a marriage license.)  Completely oversimplifying, men communicate directly.  If, for example, the man wants the new Game of Thrones book for Christmas, he will say, “Why don’t you get me that new Game of Thrones book for Christmas instead of another bottle of cologne I’m not going to wear?”  (He will not, however, ask her for the new Ryobi drill he wants, because he cannot trust that she will pick out the right one, plus, he would be deprived of the right to wander around Lowe’s for two hours examining all the drills.) 

            Women, on the other hand, speak indirectly.  If a woman wants a gift certificate for a massage she will say something like, “Ooooh.  I carry all this tension in my shoulders.  I sure could use a massage.”  At which point, if he is paying attention, and if they haven’t been married all that long (or are still dating) he may rub her shoulders for a few minutes.  But he will never in a hundred thousand years translate that into, “Why don’t you buy me a gift certificate for a massage?”

            Why? Well, this is a short, little, superficial blog, and the answer is lengthy and heavy.  Read Ms. Tannen’s book if you are really interested in the answer.  I’m not dealing with whys here, I’m dealing with whats.  And the truth of the “what” is that if you want to know what to buy your mother/wife/girlfriend, you cannot ask the direct question and get a useable answer.  You are most likely to get “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything,” which, only in the rarest of women, actually means that.  (I am actually one of those women, for which my husband counts his blessings daily.) 

            One friend’s adult son asked his long time girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday.  She gave him a long list of things to choose from, which included things like a denim jacket, some particular tennis shoes, and an emerald ring.  She buried the ring in the middle of the list.  What did he do?  He bought the first thing on the list he ran into, which happened to be the tennis shoes.  Luckily, his mother (a woman) found out before the actual gift giving, and explained using words with only one syllable how he had to buy the ring if he thought they had a future together.  This was news to him.

            Unfortunately, there are not universal rules, there is no code book, or translation dictionary I can share with you.  Each woman is different, and her means of sideways answers can be subtle.  What I can do is share with you some universal pitfalls.

  1. A vacuum cleaner is never ever ever ever a good gift.  I don’t care how much one is needed in the house.  I don’t care how much she complains about the lack of suction in the old one.  The message a vacuum sends?  “I want you to clean better for me.”  This includes dustbusters, shopvacs, and anything designed to remove dirt from your home.
  2. Kitchen appliances are dangerous territory.  Some of us really do want a new mixer because we love to bake and the old one (if we even have one) isn’t cutting it.  Personally, I love Crock Pots, but you know your special woman better than I do, and you don’t want a gift that says, “Now you can make my dinner before work and it will be ready as soon as I get home!”
  3. No matter how much the advertisers try to sell it to you, don’t buy her facial skin care products.  That says, “Honey, you are looking old and wrinkled.  Here’s something you can do about that.”
  4. If you are going to buy her clothes, make sure you know her size ahead of time.  If you don’t, or if there are three or four different sizes in her closet, don’t EVER err on the side of too big.  I know, I know, most men don’t even know what women’s clothing sizes mean, but trust me, if you buy her a size larger than she normally wears, you might as well just come out and say she is fat.  For that matter, if you buy her something too small and she tries it on, she might just feel too fat and think your too-small-clothes-choice is a hint that she should lose weight to fit in it.  So, now that I think about it, don’t buy her clothes.
  5. No matter how much she has said she wants one, don’t buy her a treadmill or other piece of exercise equipment.  The message is that she should be using it more often.
  6. Yard equipment is up there with vacuum cleaners.  As a general rule, women don’t like gadgets, and aren’t all that impressed with engine capability.  Yes, that backpack blower might just have the horsepower to blow the bricks off your house, but she doesn’t want it.  Especially not if she is pregnant. (This actually did happen to a friend of mine.)

 

There are more examples, but I try to keep these posts relatively short.  What I would like very much is if, in the comment section, readers would share the absolute worst gifts they ever got from someone they love.  What a great way to kick off the holiday shopping season!

P.S.  You can never go wrong with a gift certificate for a massage.  

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Rebecca McCarthy (Editor) November 14, 2012 at 01:49 AM
The Christmas when I turned 8, my father gave my mother a plastic trash can for her present. She had said, "Oh, just get me anything. Get me a trashcan." My engineer daddy did as he was told. So I started accompanying him on every gift-buying excursion afterwards. Things worked better that way. Can't wait till my girls are 8.
Joann Ellstein November 14, 2012 at 02:04 AM
So my very first birthday after I got married (I have been married now for 23 years), my husband bought me an ironing board. Nothing says love more than an ironing board. Probably the worst present I ever got. Just saying.
Chuck Bagley November 14, 2012 at 02:53 PM
As we start moving up the HILL of life keep in mind we don't need more STUFF; we need more MEMORIES. Do something together that will build MEMORIES for the days when there is very little left to enjoy
Jason Brooks November 14, 2012 at 04:19 PM
I thought this was going to be advice on what to buy FOR men. I laughed anyway. Plus, I got a blog post out of it: http://loganville.patch.com/blog_posts/what-to-buy-a-dude-a-womans-guide
Mike Huff November 14, 2012 at 09:24 PM
Ladies just circle whatever it is you want in the sales ads and leave it laying on the kitchen counter with some snack foods. Yes in hunting lingo this is considered baiting but if you get what you're wanting who cares? Signed, Just another non mind reading man
Kim Roberto November 15, 2012 at 12:38 AM
My friend gave a 30th birthday party for his wife (OK, so far, so good). When it was time to open her presents, she unwrapped his and we all saw a Dustbuster box. A hush fell over the guests......we all secretly assumed this was a joke and that there would be jewelry or something special like that in the box.....however......we were all wrong......and he ended up not being married to her for her 31st birthday! True story.
Stephanie Gross November 15, 2012 at 02:00 AM
Funny Mike!
Lori Duff November 19, 2012 at 09:49 PM
I'm honestly not sure which is worse, the ironing board, the plastic trash can, or the Dustbuster. EIther way, I absolutely love all the stories.
Robert November 19, 2012 at 10:29 PM
"P.S. You can never go wrong with a gift certificate for a massage" Then maybe you can explain the $100 I wasted two years ago trying to surprise my wife with something nice. Not all women OR men are comfortable having a stranger touching them. The thought of being scantly clad, oiled up and God knows what else may be as nasty as staying in a hotel room.
Lori Duff November 28, 2012 at 09:39 PM
Not all of anybody wants or thinks the same things. I'm going with gross generalizations and exaggerations for effect in an effort to make people laugh. But surely, Robert, your wife at least appreciated the thought behind the gift more than she would have appreciated the thought behind an ironing board.
Ron Sherman December 14, 2012 at 06:26 PM
Excellent article, Lori - Thanks! When giving a gift, remember that anything with a handle means w-o-r-k! 8^)
Lori Duff December 14, 2012 at 07:11 PM
Thanks! That's a fantastic rule of thumb.

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