Part One: What is Your Definition of Tough Love?

“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, ‘keep away from children'."

I heard that years ago and got a good laugh out of it. Wow! If it were only that easy! Parenting is not easy in any form, but invested in and followed through, it is the most rewarding experience you’ll ever undertake. Thanks heavens my generation had Bill Cosby and Erma Bombeck. Otherwise, we’d have to muddle through by ourselves. Let’s hope that Bill Cosby wasn’t completely right when he said:

“In spite of the 6,000 manuals on child raising in the book stores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.”

… Or John Wilmont when he said:

 “Before I got married I had six theories about how bringing up    children; now I have six children, and no theories.”

But then there was never a truer statement made when Cosby said:

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids.”

Well??? Where is Bill Cosby when you need him?

Today starts a series on “TOUGH LOVE” (read previous article on SROs and their role working with kids). It’s my hope that these articles will provide a sounding board for local parents to help one another do more than “muddle through” and, together, come out on the other side in one piece.

What is your definition of tough love?

Many believe that it means harsh punishment, and the word punishment is not even in the dictionary definition. Tough love should result in your child learning a valuable lesson while continuing to make positive choices. However, punishment is what ensues if a child chooses not to opt for the choices given him/her. If dealing with teens, just like life, punishment becomes the natural consequence of misbehavior or disobedience. And when that happens, it is the wise parent who doesn’t stand in the way of letting them tumble in order to learn. Parents need to be courageous enough to allow their kids to learn hard lessons (under our careful supervision, of course).

Discipline (teaching and correcting) should be pain-free, but realistically, there is not a child alive that will not test the limits occasionally. Tough love becomes necessary when a child pushes the envelope to the point where he/she leaves the parent little choice.

Tough love should not result in negativity or resentment in you or your child, but does result in a struggle that might cause some discomfort and pain. If you have to use tough love, use it as part of a loving and consistent disciplinary approach. Lee Ezell, author of "The Cinderella Syndrome," states in her book that for most of us, “unless the pain level is high enough, we probably won’t change.” It doesn’t say we can’t, but that we probably won’t. It’s a part of our human nature. If we never have to face a hard moment and work through it, then we fail to grow into competent adults and need someone to rescue us all the time. I’ve met many an adult like that and wonder why, at 30, they are still in need of raising. I suspect that you have met a few of those folks as well.

The problem today, I think, is that we have bought into the lie that preserving the “self-esteem” is more important than building character. In my opinion, that is why today’s discipline methods have left us frustrated with ineffective results. People are so afraid of disciplining their children that they don’t. What a mistake! Today’s form of discipline practice is something like soft ice cream; quick and easy, and over before you know it. Easy, pain-free discipline requires so little work on the part of parent or child, that it’s ineffective. The good, old fashioned, hard ice cream required some work, but by the time you finished, what a great dessert (plus, it lasted longer)! The parenting pay-off is much the same.

Something I do in the boot camp with my girls is that even though they come to me later and apologize for misbehavior, I tell them that it doesn’t get them out of the consequence, sometimes using the example of a speeding ticket. If I get a ticket for speeding, I can be remorseful until the cows come home, but I STILL HAVE TO PAY THAT TICKET. The key with any form of discipline is to CARRY THROUGH WITH THE CONSEQUENCE. Otherwise, kids learn that saying “I’m sorry” is enough. For most kids it is, but for the strong-willed child, it might be a way to manipulate their parents out of a consequence. You’ll know that’s the case if you find yourself having to deal with the same problem less than a week later.

When is tough love necessary? Always. Confidently establishing rules and lovingly applying them is the greatest challenge of parenting. Parenting is a full time job. The following are some guidelines that I’ve learned over the years.

Number One: Establish your line of authority

Don’t be afraid to stand up to your child’s objections. Otherwise, you will allow them to drag you into an argument, in which case, you’ve lost the game before you start. Tip: Stress the “Do as I say FIRST” principle. Teaching time comes AFTER compliance. Otherwise, you spin your wheels explaining, and then you’re drawn into an argument, and so on. It’s a bad habit to get into that children think they have a right to know everything and that it must make sense before they comply. They don’t. If they understood everything, they’d have no need of guidance, would they?

Number two: Be consistent

Whatever you choose as your disciplinary measure - be consistent. A teacher with good classroom management skills knows she’s doing this when she hears one student tell another one, “Don’t do that! You know what will happen!” Whether they acknowledge it or not, kids actually feel safe within the confines of boundaries when they know what to expect.

Number three: Build trust and respect

This can never be established without the first two. Believe it or not, the first component of trust is built during the disciplinary process. The line of authority establishes the safety that someone is in control and consistency brings stability when they know what to expect.

Once the foundation is established, become a student of your child. Learn their temperament, their like’s, dislikes, thoughts, opinions, their dreams etc. Become interested in them and take time to listen. A healthy parent/child relationship consists of mutual respect. The mistake many parents make is trying to develop this type of relationship without establishing the first two components - otherwise, without the proper discipline and relationship, the child confuses the roles and behaves as if the parent is an equal. Be the parent, not the friend.

Number four: Understand individual needs

Know your child’s temperament. A very well known child psychologist once said that we should break their WILL, but not their spirit. When disciplining, never get personal. Attack the behavior and the choice. Know what works for each individual, and do it. One child may be sensitive and the other thick skinned. One needs isolation, another harsher punishment. Make the punishment fit the crime. It’s hard work, but very worth it. Your child will thank you later on!

Number five: Arm yourself with knowledge!

Know what your philosophy is. Back in the day, when families were compounded into one house, teaching became second nature. But with today's fractured home, a lot of confusion abounds. No wonder kids feel just a little bit disoriented. There are some good child psychologists out there who do a great job teaching about childrearing. Some of my personal favorites are Dr. Kevin Leman, Dr. John Rosemond and Dr. James Dobson.

Dr. Kevin Leman www.haveanewkidbyfriday.com/

John Rosemond www.rosemond.com/

Dr. James Dobson www.myfamilytalk.com

What happens when you find yourself at an impasse in your home and need to get outside help? There are many different options. In this series, I will offer a long list of the many options. IN Walton, one of them is something that I have personal experience with – BOOTCAMP! Stay tuned for part two in the series.